Guest blogger: Commodore Ratu Josaia Voreqe Bainimarama, MSD, OStJ

Nibula.

I'm pleased to have this opportunity to set the record straight on Fiji, without the deleterious interference of journalists and others disinclined towards an understanding of the greater issues at stake.

The first thing to understand about Fiji is that it's about having a good time. Vaka malua, have a nice holiday, enjoy the bula and a few drinks while you go lobster red in the sun. Most of you understand that and come to Fiji only for that purpose. This is how it should be.

However, there will always be some troublemakers with fancy notions like democracy being necessary for a good holiday. Really? Since when? Since never I say, and if the Fijian people decide that we don't need any democracy, then that's my decision. I mean our decision. Short, bald white guys coming here not for bula and a holiday but to write rubbish get the Black Room and then the boot out of Fiji. Easy as that. Our good friends the Americans deport journalists if they don't have a visa or seem annoyingly foreign, but we wouldn't ever do that. We are welcoming people. I warn you though, don't muck around with the Fijian holiday spirit. You wouldn't like the Black Room.

Also, what's all this ruckus about roughing up lawyers? You can't tell me people in New Zealand would object to that, surely? My mate Epeli said "Frank, they'll pay you for this, or give you another bar for your uniform fruit salad." In Fiji, we always take a lawyer with us when we go fishing. As bait. Mind you, some of the older ones make the fish taste funny so it's probably not such a good idea.

Going back to holidays, you need one. It's cheap to come over here now too - no, no, don't thank me, it was nothing, just my way of showing I'm not hacked off about the rugby. While you're here, spare a thought for that silly High Commissioner of yours, Michael Green. Everyone knows Fiji is a great holiday posting for diplomats, and you'd be daft to screw that up. Green did however, so he got the boot. No more holiday there!

I am hearing a few rumours that Helen Clark got a bit worked up over the entirely legitimate cutting short of Green's holiday here on Fiji, and would like to do some sabre-rattling. Too bad there's nothing to rattle, isn't it Helen? Moth-balling the air force like that and no real navy to speak of... what are you going to do? Ask the Aussies for a ride?

If you're thinking about that, namely asking the Aussies, just remember there are some pretty important cables here in Suva. They're safe at the moment, as we keep the holiday-makers away from them but... all I'm saying, we got fishermen here, lots of them. And they have anchors so don't be wankers, as you Kiwis would say. Tovolea mada and see how fast your YouTubes run after that.

Now I want you to head over to your nearest travel agent and lako mai eke. That is all.

Ni sa moce,

Commodore Frank


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